Why I REALLY Dislike Monkeys (Guest post)

monkeys in Taiwan

Monkey photo courtesy of Will jackson

Guest post by Will Jackson (You know the words why I really dislike monkeys would never come out of my mouth, but I was curious to hear how Will could NOT like monkeys, so here it is:

When I came across Laurel’s site Monkeys and Mountains I thought it would be funny to do a guest post to provide a bit of a counterpoint to all the monkey love going on here.

You see, I really don’t like monkeys. In fact, I kind of hate them.

Like most people I used to love monkeys. I mean, why wouldn’t you? They look so cute in the zoos and on TV with their big eyes and tiny hands, human-like expressions and adorable antics. They’re just like loveable little kids.
At least, that’s what I thought until I actually met a few.
We don’t have monkeys running wild in Australia so my first run in with them was when I was in Taiwan late last year.
I was taking photos of a group of macacques in Taipei’s Tianmu National Park when a few of them snuck up to a few inches behind me and started screaming and baring their teeth – the monkey version of going “boo”, I guess. Scared the crap out of me but I got over it. Hijinks, eh?
My second run-in was in Malaysia when I was camping in Penang National Park at the aptly named Monkey Beach. I looked up from reading a book on the sand and saw one of the residents going through my bag. I jumped up and scared him off but the little bugger had already got into my rice and curry lunch – the only food I had with me until the next day. As you can probably imagine my annoyance grew with my hunger.
Then during my recent visit to Khao Yai National Park in Thailand the monkeys macaques really kicked the harassment up a notch. They tried to rip the mirrors off my scooter, stole and ripped up a packet of seaweed snacks from my hammock and then, while I was minding my own business drinking a cup of 3-in-1 coffee, one of them climbed up the tree I was sitting under and tried to poo on me. Thankfully I looked up just in time to jump out of the way.

After that, me and monkeys were done.

You see, I’ve realised that monkeys really are like kids, but not the loveable kind.
They’re like those out-of-control, hyperactive children who never got any discipline growing up and so feel like they can go around pestering, stealing and harassing people with impunity.

But unlike most children they’re also pretty keen on using their own faeces as a weapon.

I suppose it’s possible that monkeys are not inherently evil. Maybe I’ve just met a few nasty ones and the rest are all really nice. Maybe I shouldn’t tar them all with the same brush?

But just to be on the safe side in the future I’m going to steer well clear of the little shits. And I advise you all to ignore the pro-monkey propaganda on this site and do the same.

About the author:  Will Jackson (aka Beardy) is an itinerant Australian journalist.  He travels the world in search of good times, adventure and tasty street tucker and writes about it at The Bearded Wanderer.

Even though this is an anti-monkey post, I will grudgingly admit, I enjoyed reading it, and loved the humor.  But as payment for not liking monkeys, I will be bombarding Will any chance I get to show him that monkeys are not inherently evil!

Comments

  1. Dan C says

    How can you dislike monkeys for such things? I’ve seen one nick my grandad’s car aerial in a safari park when I was 6 and had a gorilla throw poo at me. Still think they’re great. Wanted to steal one last time I was at Port Lympne.

    I wouldn’t want one as a pet though, in case it tore my face off :(

  2. says

    I agree with them being terrifying, but I just keep my wits about me super super high, like I’m walking though a terrible area at night. I saw them rip a backpack off a girl about my size and run away with it in Zambia by Victoria Falls. And another stole some friends sandwiches (I ran away before they could get mine) in Costa Rica.

    That being said, I still love them.

    • says

      @Leigh – Glad it made you laugh. I liked Will’s comparison to kids as well – although I have much more patience for monkeys than I do for kids :)

  3. says

    Luckily I have never had a run-in with a monkey, but I do admit they kind of freak me out the way they can swing overhead. I never understand how, given their intelligence and agility skills, they aren’t able to escape more readily from zoo enclosures.

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